Sunday, November 9, 2008

A bit of complaining... please forgive me...

Okay, I know that my life could be a lot worse. A LOT worse. I know that I only have a teensy weensy amount of the suffering some people face every day, but still...pain is pain and this is the only place I can share it without feeling that I'm burdening people, so here it is.

As some of you know, my health has not been good lately. It is very frustrating as a young person to have health problems. It's frustrating at any age, but now at age 16 when a lot of people my age are in top condition with few health issues, it is a bit depressing. It is even more frustrating that nobody my age understands this stuff. I don't know any person my age or even around my age with health problems, and if I try to talk to teenagers about it, they're kind of like "Uh sorry dude, bummer...ummm...OMG I STUBBED MY TOE MY LIFE IS OVER!!! oh you wanna hear about my super cute boyfriend who... just OMG dumped me??"

AAAARGH. NO, I do not want to hear about your boyfriend troubles!!!!! You shouldn't even HAVE a boyfriend!!

Okay, so I don't really say that to them. But I do get a little miffed. I understand, people have varying degrees of pain tolerance (both mental and physical). So basically, I've stopped talking about this stuff to people other than my mom and one or two friends. Even some adults don't entirely get it. I think the main thing I've realized over the past year or so is: If people haven't had painful experiences, they're not likely to understand your pain. The ones who are the most sympathetic are the ones who have gone through trials and suffering. Now, of course this is not true of everyone...just almost everyone. *cough*

Now, on to the pain itself. I was recently diagnosed with PCOS, and although it sounds like nothing, it causes a whole lot of problems, and considerable pain. It also leaves you vulnerable to several nasty diabetes. My most common symptoms are nausea, difficulty eating, stomach pain, migraines, and herpes.

Two days ago, I had the worst migraine of my entire life. (Remember, I have migraines almost daily, and they sometimes last for weeks without any I am pretty tough when it comes to headaches!) It started around 2:00 in the afternoon, and it was probably the worst pain I have ever had (although a rupturing ovarian cyst is not far behind). I honestly wanted to die, right then and there, just to ensure I would never have to go through that kind of pain again. I begged to be taken to the hospital so they could put me to sleep. My head was burning, throbbing, feeling like it was going to burst. Later that night, I vomitted the tiny amount of food I had been able to eat. At about 7:00 in the evening, I knew I could not take it any more. My mom called the hospital and spoke with a nurse who suggested that I go immediately to the ER. We were just headed out the door when I forced myself to think about how expensive emergency care is, and how we really, really couldn't afford it right now. I made myself go lie down and just be still and accept that I was going to have to deal with the pain myself. It was a really hard thing to do, but I felt stronger as I made the decision. An hour or so later, I was asleep. I woke up in a few minutes to vomit, and then got back to sleep. I stayed asleep for a couple hours, and woke up again to find the pain was still very present, although somewhat relieved. Thankfully, it was mostly gone when I woke up that morning. But I was very dizzy and weak and spent most of the day in bed.

Today, I am much better, and I can now focus on my other current health problem: My huge Bartholin cyst. It started about four days ago, and I had NO idea what it was, only that it hurt and itched like the dickens and I wanted it gone. Forever. Walking, sitting, and standing are the most painful. That down? Yeah, that's what I've been doing most of today, yesterday, and the day before. It's about 3 centimeters, or the size of a very large walnut. It's probably benign, and could go away on its own, but it could also be an abscess, or worse...cancerous. I pray it is not. And I think it's unlikely, but...always possible. I hope I hope I hope I can get it drained/removed tomorrow. I have an appointment for Wednesday, but I would much rather have it done sooner.

Whew, that was LONG. Thanks so much for reading, guys. This is my little complaining room, and I appreciate it that y'all don't just tell me to suck it up and go cry in a corner. :) Actually, you would be perfectly within your rights to do so...but please don't, because I will throw a sharpie at you. Or something.

Guys, I am blessed. I truly am. There are just some icky things going on right now.

Thanks for listening to my rant, and God Bless!



Corinth said...

Erin, I want you to know that you can always talk to me. I'm absolutely serious.

No, I don't know what you're going through, I've never been through anything close to what's happening to you -- but I am a sister in Christ, and anytime you want to talk, I will always listen.

And you are in my prayers every night. I know there are some people who say that and don't mean it, but I am faithfully praying for you, and God is a faithful God who listens to His children.


Luke Holmes said...

Everything I can think of saying seems useless and worthless. I can't say I know how you feel-- "I'm sorry" is just lame-- and telling you to "hang in there" just comes no where near to what you're facing.

Erin, you're amazing. I can think of so many people that would blame God for their pain, but you are not. He'll reward you for your loyalty and perseverance. :)

I am praying for you-- that you will continue to grow closer to God through these trials. Just remember that :) Though, you almost seem like you don't need my prayer-- you're so strong yourself. :D

I hope we can talk soon. best, luke.

Erin said...

Abi - thank you very much, dear! And I was definitely not including you (or Luke) in the "teens-who-don't-understand" category. :) You have been a constant friend even though we don't get to chat very often, so bless you for that!

Luke - Nothing you say is useless or worthless! And "I'm sorry" is NOT lame, because I know you genuinely care about me. :) There are definitely times when I am angry and bitter (not so much toward God, but other people in my life).

I have been so blessed with the realization that even though this stuff feels awful when it's happening, it will make me a better person. Once God changed my perspective and opened my eyes about suffering, things became much easier.

And I value all your prayers SO much, both of you! You have no idea. It's a blessing and a comfort, and I know I would not be nearly as strong as I am if I did not have your faithful prayers. So, seriously, you guys are responsible for my present attitude. :) It honestly feels as if I'm being carried along by a combination of your petitions and God's love; I don't feel like I have to try very hard at all. So please don't ever feel like a single word is wasted.

Corinth said...

Erin, honey, Corinth is me - Lauren H. *grins* I hope that won't change my not being included in the "teens-who-don't-understand" category! *hug*

Erin said...

LOL sorry!! Lauren, I so totally knew that. :D No really, it was just a momentary brain slip...I've been having a lot of those recently. *cough*

And no, you're definitely not included in that not-understanding category. :)