Saturday, January 31, 2009

A light rekindled

My attitude hasn't been very good recently, and I often find myself feeling very bitter and angry. But right now, I feel very touched, humbled, and gently chided.

Yesterday was just a bad day. I felt depressed, lonely, ugly, and stupid. In fact, I was seriously considering staying at home, even though I was supposed to play for a masterclass. I didn't think I could do it. I felt like a repulsive hag. Of course, my mom told me I looked fine, etc., but that didn't change the way I felt. I got through the day and played fine at the masterclass, but I still felt miserable.

Later that night, I got on facebook and saw that I had 1 message waiting. I opened up the message and found that it was from a dear friend that I hadn't talked to in a long time. Tears came to my eyes as I read it, and I realized how wrong my attitude had been. Here's what the note said:

Hi Erin! I am very lucky to know such a sweet, beautiful, and kind girl like you!! It is really a blessing to be able to see you grow up throughout the years, even though the glimpses are intermittent. :) Keep your chin up, missy! You're more and more beautiful by the second and if you look down, you'll miss it.

Just like that. She had NO idea how special that note was to me at that moment. But God knew. He knew exactly what I needed to hear, and He provided it! I can't express how I felt at that moment; it wasn't just the sweetness of the note, it was the realization that God cared enough about me and loved me enough to send me that love letter through my friend.

I feel unbelievably JOYFUL right now! I am once more opening my heart to the Lord, and praying that He will gently remove some of the hard shell that I've built around my heart. I want to fully understand that I don't need that shell, and that He will be the guardian and defender of my spirit. I'm reminded of one of my favorite hymns:

No guilt in life, no fear in death—
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath,
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home—
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand.

Thank you, my dear Jesus!


Your Child

Monday, January 26, 2009


This morning, I had a super strong craving for...

Bananas and popcorn. Together.

*blinkblink* Should I be worried?

Monday, January 19, 2009


Very, very angry. I don't often allow myself to get this furious.

I'm honestly afraid of leaving my kittens alone in the house with him. He insists upon shutting his bedroom door whenever he leaves the room, even though he is shutting in the kittens. They have no food, water, or litter box in that room, and it's very hot and stuffy. I often come home in the evenings to find them meowing and very hungry, and he could care less. He's too proud and stubborn to let anyone (especially a woman) make any kind of suggestion to him, for instance: "Please don't close the door, because the kittens are getting shut in a lot."

This kind of thing happens all the time. This is only one tiny example. It seems to be one of his main goals in life to prove his great power and make sure the women (to him that means servants) are put in their place.

This has been a hard day...I'm sick and very low on sleep. I just desperately need a break from him.

Sorry for the rant...